Friday, June 3, 2016

My Personal Travels - What is my Heart Saying

I am trying something new. The Amazing Ms D. often tells me that I am not very introspective. She often wonders if I am really in touch with my feelings. So, when we were in California in April I bought a box of writing prompts. I will be periodically posting pieces from these prompts, as they represent part of my Travels in the 2nd Half.

What is my Heart Saying?

Of course my first prompt goes right for heart. Like Capt. Renault (Claude Raines) in Casablanca my heart is “my least vulnerable organ.” Or at least I like to think so. But that is really bluster. My heart is more like an open book, and one that gets hurt easily. It is really funny. I like to think that I am strong, but often it is my closest relationships that hurt me the most. 

So my heart tells me to care, even when my head tells me that it is not about me. For example, I have not really spoken to my brother in a long time. The reasons don’t matter here, but I spent a lot of energy trying to make our relationship work. It took me many years to realize that my brother had his issues, and that, most importantly, they were not my issues. I could not repair a relationship that the other person did not want to be part of. So I had to let go.

My heart tells me to be a fixer. It is my way of dealing with being an introvert in a society and profession that expects extroverts. So I play out conversations in my mind, what I should have said, what I should say next time. But being an introvert, I rarely actually say these things. Instead I try to fix situations, so go along, or sit on the side. 

My heart tells me that I am a good person. I don’t usually look for praise, and then I am surprised when I don’t get it. It has taken me a long time to figure out that I need to do things that I believe are right, because I believe that they are right. To not do things in the hope that others will notice.

My heart tells me that I form friendships very easily, and very loyally. It does not take a long time to become part of my inner circle. Once you are in I will fight for you. The downside is that when I feel betrayed it goes right to my heart. 

My heart tells me that family is the most important thing in my life. The Amazing Ms D. knows this, but I am not sure that the rest of my family does. I will do anything for my daughters. All they have to do is call, and, like the Jackson 5, I’ll be There. The hard part for me is learning how to not be there. To figure out where and when I am over-stepping, staying too long, or calling too often.

My heart tells me to put love out into the world. I am not a spiritual person. I don’t really believe in Karma. I have spent a lot of time during my life being angry. And Righteous Anger has its place in this world. But my heart tells me that amount of energy it takes to be angry all of the time is more than I can give at this point. I use anger when it needed, but I look for the healthy relationships and give them love.

That is what my heart tells me.

1 comment:

  1. Wow! For the past year or so I've been thinking about the fact that to write good memoir, you have to go there, to that place where one is vulnerable, to that place that you usually go to all lengths to keep to yourself. I think you just wrote your first memoir piece. And such bravery to put it out there for all to read. I don't know if I"m there yet but I'm so proud that you are Babe.